Often the very real truth of our story is often the hardest (yet necessary) to share with others and the world.
Our wounds, our emotional landscape, our depth – stays locked inside of us, threatening to break us free from self-imposed limitations and into the daring world of liberation. Why do we fear to share the fullness of who we are? Why do we feel we need to refine, perfect and even hide the parts of ourselves that while seemingly messing, are some of the most beautiful? Because, being real, sharing your deepest fears, deepest woundings, tender vulnerabilities, deep painful failures, and authenticity is considered failing at life. It is considered weakness. And weakness in our world, is equated with the feminine, which is considered bad, and something to be oppressed, suppressed, shut down, killed off, or silenced. So, us humans, try to pretend we are not struggling with something, while maintaining the carefully cultivated facade o having our shit together.
In fact, most of capitalism is built on furthering the notion of you not having your shit together, so you’ll buy the product, program, training or thing that will make you finally feel okay, full, beautiful, loved and accepted.
But what if your messy parts are what makes you beautiful?
What if in accepting the truth, the rawness, the realness and actual authenticity of your story is the key to liberating yourself from the cultural machinations designed to separate, isolate, divide and conquer us as united communities, peoples, and a human family?
What if in accepting and actually fully loving our story, the aching depths and exhilarating highs, we come to fully love and appreciate the messy yet beautiful parts of our existence, thereby reclaiming our full power as sovereign beings?
This is where my story currently starts and also ends. Over the course of my life, I sensed my path would not be normal by any stretch of understanding.
In fact, I had hid much of my internal world from others for fear of being judged, stereotyped as ‘white spiritual woo woo’ until very recently. Even the actual intentions and vision for Awakened Woman had been coated with the shell of what most would call “Women’s Empowerment” as a means to make it acceptable to most. Because the deeper truths behind what motivated me to start Awakened Woman are so far from what I would accept or deem as normal, that I thought others would feel this too. In embarking on the path of Awakened Woman two years ago, it very much was born from my deep place of surrender. I had knelt down in frustration, agony, and much heartache onto the temple floors of the Divine.
It seemed I was not worthy enough to experience any state of satisfaction or seeming success from any project I had poured my heart into.
Nothing I did seemed to come out golden. Each and every thing I tried to create and birth would arrive stillborn into the world.
The former career I was charting towards Urban Planning was so not aligned with my blossoming soul’s purpose, and there was a dead end at the end of this five year academic journey. The travel company I co-founded with a friend. The conscious business development for corporations. The festival clothing company started with my lover.
My gifts, my medicine, my essence was not worthy enough to be of value in this world…and without value, without some measure of success – I was not worthy.
Not worthy to receive any amount of the financial nourishment I had poured into these companies and projects, no satisfaction, no rewards, no applause, no contentment or fulfilment. No amount of praise, love, or that I poured into my relationship was coming back to me. At five months pregnant, my partner decided to take another lover, and it took all of my resolve not to end my pregnancy or my life. I felt depleted, spiritually empty, and devoid of any forward momentum, purpose, or energy to continue.
So 9 months pregnant, I begged, pleaded, and implored The Divine to use me for the greatest good of Humanity and our evolution. Whatever that looked like. “Just let me be of service, and have some fun!”, I asked.
Within two months of giving birth to the most precious angel and gift I could have asked for, I also received the gift of my answer.
It was first received in a vision. The vision was a sacred healing experience, a Cirque De Soleil Ayahuasca Medicine Journey Theatre experience without the medicine. Fusing art, storytelling, the healing arts of breath, sound, light, movement and touch, this experience would transform oneself into entering and embodying the Mythic Self.
The vision was also then received as a very clear and simple knowing. She said, “you will bring many women to Bali with you for a sacred experience.”
I asked (because what else do you do when you hear voices from somewhere), “Why Bali?”. I’ve never been there before?” I followed these questions with the energy of, “Nah, I just had a child, I think I’ll pass on this. I think this year I’ll lay low and enjoy being a mother.”
But she wouldn’t give up in speaking with me. First, it was confirmation from someone telling me I should host a mini-women’s festival in Bali. Then the dreams starting coming fast.
There was the dream of the Black Oil Dragon. An oil dragon that came to Earth and was chasing me to kill me. When asking it telepathically why it didn’t kill me, it answered, “You’re not ready to know those answers yet, but you will soon.”
I also started having dreams about a Dragon coming towards me while in Bali.
It was only afterwards I learnt more about the Ley Lines in Bali. —
And so, Awakened Woman was held in Bali in November 2016 with close to two hundred women throughout the week and co-hosted by myself and a co-founder.
Powerful, deep, potent and heart-opening, I found myself falling in love with each and every woman I came across despite the challenges, tests, and lessons we were experiencing almost daily.
It was during Eve Ensler’s keynote presentation, when the clouds parted and light shone on her chair that I knew this gathering was of great importance. As she concluded her speech, we held our fingers in the air to signify the rising of the feminine for V-Day and thunder shook above our heads.
It would be less than three months later the largest global women’s march would take place in January 2017. What I understood is that our convergence and that of many priestesses around the world was contributing to this reweaving of the collective sisterhood and the healing between women.
Early 2017 I received the message that Awakened Woman would take place near Hopi land in Arizona. Again, I had never been to Arizona but the messages were strong.
In March, myself and an assistant travelled there to visit our contact Mark Hall of Red Feather who introduced us to many Hopi organizations and representatives. Upon returning, I was again given a potent dream of affirmation. In the dream, I was inside of a dark longhouse along with two great Kachina spirits. One of the Kachinas told me that they had been watching me, and supported my work. They offered me the dried up hand of an elder with three fingers and told me, “feed this to your people.
Over the remainder of the year, there was much doubt within me leading up to the convergence. I still didn’t quite understand why I was doing this, or what the importance was.
There were intense moments of self-doubt, and there were many times were I let important decisions be made by others.
Over the course of the year, I made many big mistakes – some that were easily forgiven by myself and others and some that weren’t. For those who were hurt in any way, I am deeply deeply sorry for any pain caused. As we came close to the event, many of the mistakes I had made in decision making (including our original venue, some keynote speakers etc), almost led to Awakened Woman being cancelled. These mistakes, again, were because of my inability to fully trust my intuition and gifts, along with a deep seated idea that I was not worthy.
Yet, even as I began mourning the death of this convergence weeks prior, many angels stepped in to save this momentous gathering. Deep thanks and gratitude to the multitude of souls who held me, supported me, and loved me in these times when I couldn’t do it myself.
What I had come to realize that many of the recognized mistakes I made and challenges encountered were deep and embodied lessons in what Awakened Leadership, integrity, alignment and discernment truly are.
So the convergence was, it seems, destined to happen, for many many reasons beyond my understandings at the time.
A few days into the convergence, it was obvious an energetic shift was taking place. The crushing weight of the pressures, challenges and stress I was holding was making it difficult to maintain the energetic container with integrity. I was feeling crushed by the financial stresses, concerns, and seeming chaos I was feeling internally.
The expenses to make this convergence happen far outweighed the income received (after the multiple financial losses), the bills were piling up, and many close friends present urged me to publicly share what was authentically on my heart and soul.
This was quite possibly the most terrifying thing imaginable. Not only was I being urged by my friends (and apparently the Universe) to publicly share my faults and inabilities with everyone present, I was being called to let it all out….painfully, vulnerably, and in full raw and open truth.
It would dismantle the image I had been so desperately holding onto…the perfected, constructed, and idealized version of myself as being the ‘leader who got her shit together’, ‘the entrepreneur host’ following the same business model for live events prevalent in the coaching industry.
And why is it that we cling to these false idealized perfected versions of how we wish others to see us? Because we don’t feel like we are enough on our own.
I didn’t feel like I was enough on my own, which is why I made the decisions to initially book us at an overpriced (and sterile) hotel, bring in people not aligned, and ignore my intuition time and time again.
After much debate, it came through. As we circled up under the tent in the already hot morning sun, with a crystal skull at the centre, there was a palpable crackling of tension in the air
While there were a few attempts to bring this truth into the open by announcing this last minute schedule change with the loving nudges of close confidantes, I felt frozen.
Some were angry at the seeming changes, some were grateful, but in hindsight it was necessary for actual authenticity to emerge in our convergence.
Finally later on with an intervention of my inner circle, Chief Phil Lane Jr gathered us all around with myself being surrounded with strength to speak from my inner circle of truth, and radiating circles of people supporting those in the centre.
The feelings couldn’t be contained any longer, and as the tears flowed so do my unfiltered, hot, messy inadequacies, faults, mistakes and raw anguish.
The heaviness began departing from my shoulders and spirit as the words stumbled from my lips, as I released the illusion I was clinging on to, the control of how I wanted others to perceive me, and shed these fears of approval in order to be witnessed, seen, accepted and loved as my most honest, real and true self.
This was the entire point. I was being asked to model vulnerability by exposing and outing myself. In disrupting the carefully cultivated agenda and schedule for the event, we collectively created a portal for the true essence and invocations of what we had gathered there for.
As others too began to weep, release, cry, and speak to their disillusionment with the patriarchal models of leadership, we were mourning the death of what we thought leadership was and in the space of the great in-between.
Everyone unsure of what to do next, like something out of Avatar, Deya Dova then stepped into the centre of us standing, and led the start of a spontaneous tribal chant.
Arms shaking, bodies gyrating, we began reclaiming our wildness, our liberation as unsure but unified humans.
With that we created a living, breathing invocation for Awakened Leadership in the world.
We want, yearn for, and need to embody awakened leadership in sharing our mistakes, our failures, and the truth we are connected.
No more old-paradigm carefully constructed narratives designed to trick you into believing a false projection, manipulate you into buying something, or hide the real and often messy truth.
What we had co-created was a safe space for the real, messy, and perfect imperfections of being human be witnessed and honoured, thereby creating a ripple into the mass collective.
TO CONTINUE READING THE REST OF THIS STORY – SUPPORT THE LAUNCH OF THE BOOK ‘ASCENSION OF GAIA’ – TO BE PUBLISHED THIS FALL 2020.